I'm still blessed...I've just been busy!

I just wanted to add a post...to keep my blog going. Things have been so busy with Christmas, and we have just been running around everywhere! Katie is growing so much! She had a wonderful Christmas! Santa brought her "Amazing Allysen" doll that she wanted so much! Kris and I have decided that bless her heart, Allysen is hearing impaired! She has a really hard time hearing, and it's a little frustrating to Katie! She has not given up on her though! She was so excited this Christmas! Here are a few pics!

I know I say this every time---but I really am going to try and post more in 2007!

Happy New Year!!!

Great Grandma Ellis...

...passed away this evening. Katie loved to visit Grandma on Halloween (it was kinda a tradition to visit that day for some reason). I remember her first Halloween she went as a bunny, and Grandma just thought she was so cute! I am glad Katie was able to meet her Great Grandma. Kris and Katie went to visit her last week, and I am glad they were able to see her again before she passed on. I have faith that she is playing bingo with Jesus and the angels right now in heaven... B-2, G-7, O-9, I-22, N-4---BINGO!!!!

1st grade!

Oh goodness...my baby is growing up! First grade begins tomorrow. Tonight as I brushed Katie's hair, I just couldn't believe how much my "bald 'til she was two" baby had grown. She is so beautiful, and I can't believe that the elementary school years have begun already. Tonight she was so excited, and full of anticipation for tomorrow. I think she is most excited about taking her lunch to school and about not having to take a nap at daycare after lunch! She asked if she could take one of our green apples to school for her teacher, but they really aren't looking so good, so I told her we could make a special trip into Wal-Mart in the morning to get a nice big red one. I was so proud of her for thinking of her new teacher-all on her own. She is so very sensitive to other's needs and wants...and I just love that about her...along with EVERYTHING else. I love her.

Faith.

Yesterday I declared to my husband that I was done with the faith stuff, done with the church stuff, done with prayer, and done with the "it's all part of God's plan" stuff...I was done, I was empty, I had no ability to feel any of those things anymore. I pouted all day, I let Satan eat away at me, I cried, I was irrational, it was just a bad day. I had convinced myself that because I have been unable to have more children and because we were probably always going to have debt that my life was in ruin. I was just grieving yesterday, but didn't want God to have any part in making it better, or to even receive comfort through Kris from God. We went through the whole day, and as we were driving home late at night, I found myself wanting to pray...to pray for my sister and her newborn baby, to pray for my mom and dad getting home safely with my daughter, for my brother's new relationship...for tons of things...but I didn't pray, because I was "done" with all of that. I went to bed, exhausted from a long day.

I woke up this morning, and sure enough, God's mercy was new, as if I had never betrayed him, as if I had never said those mean things about him yesterday. I read an article in my husband's Field and Stream magazine this morning...it was just there...the top magazine on the stack of the ever growing pile in the bathroom. I decided to thumb through it, and read an article about a man who had been bitten by a rattlesnake. The man was walking through the brush (can't remember why) and felt a huge pull/tug/pain on the back of his leg...he had been bitten by a rattlesnake. He went to get help, and was life flighted to a hospital. The bite was so bad that he had to have something like 93 vials of antivenen, when a normal bite requires up to 30 viles. He was in the hospital for a long time, and eventually recovered. Something about that article made me think of my behavior yesterday. I was full of poison...from the enemy...he had bitten me...really hard...with jealousy, coveting, the inability to see my blessings. It was the worst bite, by far, that I have ever gotten. It took A LOT of God's mercy (antivenen) to fix things. I know it wasn't hard for Him to forgive me, and I know that all of those behaviors were covered by Jesus's blood. I am still tired from the wound, I am still struggling, but Jesus has taken the poison out...once again, and put his love in those fang marks.

Tonight I woke Kris up and explained to him that I know I have faith. Why else would I have wanted to pray so badly last night. If I *really* didn't believe, I wouldn't feel compelled to pray. If I really didn't believe, it wouldn't bother me to not pray. It bothered me to NOT pray last night. I felt that I had not done what I knew in my heart was right for the ones I love by praying for them. I also don't know how anyone can love someone else so incredibly much and think it has nothing to do with the love that God has shown us. I love Kris and Katie more than words can explain, and I believe part of that love is because of God's love for me.

So I guess the bottom line is that I do have faith. I do trust God to guide my life. I do believe. I do.

Happy Birthday America!

Happy Birthday America! I feel so blessed to live in the United States. There are so many freedoms that I know I take for granted everyday, that only came from a country that fought for independence.

Tonight as we watched the neighborhood fireworks, Katie and I softly sang The National Anthem...well, I should say that I was softly singing it...she...on the other hand...was belting it out for everyone to hear! She sat in the chair with me, and it was wonderful to have some close time with her. I'm going to pause from journaling for a second, because Katie just came down the stairs...ok...she wants to write something: "And then we watched the big humoungus fireworks and it was humoungus, gungus, fireworks! And then we watched the fireworks again. And then I went in the bathtub and played and played and now I got my jammies and now I'm at the computer with my mom and it was a good day at home, so bye-bye!" I think she had a great day today! She's so funny with her descriptions!
Anyway, it was a nice evening. Kris got off work early and came home and took a little nap. Later we grilled out and I made my first ever batch of home-made potato salad...it was a good dinner. For dessert we had homemade vanilla ice cream and chocolate cake to celebrate Kris and I's birthdays coming up. It was such a great evening...I just feel so incredibly blessed. Earlier this weekend I was having quite a bit of anxiety and jealously issues, but God has shown me that I am wonderfully blessed, and I have everything I could ever want...right now. Ok...rambling over! Happy Birthday America!

My Beautiful Girl

Sunday evenings...

I just need to cry, and to vent, and to just let go of some anxiety. Every Sunday night, a huge, huge anxiety comes over me. I don't like my job anymore. It is so very depressing. It has become very demanding in the past couple of months, and it's more than I can handle. I am a foster care case manager. I recruit, train, and provide support to foster families that are sponsored through our agency.
Tonight I have more significant grieving about going to work tomorrow. Katie and I have had a hard day today. She was grumpy, I was grumpy, even Kris was grumpy. Kris was pretty much unavailable to us all weekend, so it seems like we haven't really had a weekend. I really just want to not go back to work again-ever. I want to dedicate my life to taking care of MY family...not other people's. Most of them do not even realize the amount of time that I give up from my family taking care of theirs. I am just so tired of it. As my friend Melissa would say, "I've had it!". I really have "had it." I am just so tired, and so tired of being tired. I need $25,000.00 to pay off our debt except for our cars and house. If I had that, I would be able to be a stay at home mom. I know it's not a glamorous job, but it truely is the one I want. I want to take Katie to the library, and to swimming lessons, and to gymnastics, or to the park just to swing. I don't want to have to worry about if someone is having a crisis, or if they need to ask me the same question they have asked at least 20 times already. I am just so incredibly tired of it. I want to be able to go to work, do my job, leave work, and not do any more work until the next morning if I have to work outside of the home. I take my work home with me every night, and am accessible 24 hours per day to my families. I am just tired...so very tired. I need a break...but there is no break. I tried to take ONE week of vacation, and two days of it I am already going to have to work...so now my one whole week is reduced to three days...I am just so discusted. I am so tired...just so tired. I am tired of crying about it, I am tired of taking my frustration out on my husband and child. I am tired of seeing all of these children being abused and neglected when we are trying so desperately to have another child. I am tired of grieving...tired of being sad...tired of feeling this way. I need intervention. I need God...Lord, I could really use your help with this. I don't know what to do. I need to figure out how to get the money to be able to stay at home. I need an answer to prayer...I really do.

The Lord is...

...my strength, my shield, my joy, my comfortor, my redeemer, my salvation, my hope, my courage, my all in all, my friend, my father, my creator, my savior, my everything. I have so many things I want to write down tonight..so I'm going to try and capture some of it here.

I have been so discouraged since our adoptive placement disruption....Satan has just been after me continuously for the last couple of months...he has known my weaknesses...my tendency to have low self esteem and guilt, my tendency to lose faith and hope...and has been all over it. He has tried to convince me that I am a bad mother, a bad case manager, that I am fat and ugly, that I have no business trying to help people. He has tried to lie to me and convince me that I needed things and food to fill the empty holes that he created in me. He has been having a great time being victorious in my sorrow and grief.

"It is finished." Jesus said those words when He died on the cross for my sins. He knew that the sins of the world were on his shoulders and through his death on the cross, he was taking that load from anyone who would believe. Now I am saying that to Satan: it is finished...you are not going to have power and dominion in my life anymore. I have given my heart back to Jesus tonight. I am no longer a slave to your lies and your deception. I am no longer going to believe that I am any less than all that Jesus---my LORD and GOD--- has planned for me! I am his! Jesus has ME in the palm of his hand, and has taken my burdens. He has taken the guilt, the fear, the worry, and the sins of my life, and swept them away. My sins are erased, and I am a new creation...today! I am so glad!

Do you know what my beautiful, amazing gift from God that I like to call my daughter, said to me tonight as she drifted off to sleep? She said, "thank you mom," and I said "what for?", she said, "for everything." Jesus talked to me through her tonight...so incredibly directly, that it gives me goosebumps. He told me that I am a good mother, through her words. I am not sure if she will even remember that she said that, but it revealed what was in her heart. More than any other ministry on this earth, a mother has a responsibilty to raise their children in truth and in Jesus. Somehow...I know that He is helping me with this incredibly important task. I know that Katie has Jesus in her heart, and if I died today, I would know that God's grace has covered her, in spite of my shortcomings as a mom. I want her to remember me as a mom with grace and gentleness, and I am going to keep praying that God will give me those characteristics to pass on to her.

A friend of mine, Bev, gave the closing devotional at vacation Bible school tonight. She talked about two new Christians. One was a new Christian that got so busy that he did not have time to read the Bible or go to church, and when Satan came after him, he was vulnerable and weak. The other new Christian kept reading his Bible, and kept going to church...when Satan came after him, he was strong and connected to God, and able to withstand the enemy. Even though it was a devotional geared toward children, I felt the Lord moving in my heart. He was telling me that He was still standing right beside me...all I had to do was reach out for his hand...and he would help me beat the enemy. I know He will. I know He is here with me. I know that He will defend and protect me. I have faith...the Lord's lovingkindnesses NEVER fail. He is my strength and my shield!

I'm so thankful

I just really needed to post this morning. I was feeling sorry for myself on the way to work today...because I had to go to work, because my pants are too tight, because I want more children, because my job is depressing... But when I walked in to work, I saw a familiar face that surprised me. A friend of mine was at my workplace for a class on parenting through divorce...she is getting a divorce, and my heart just aches for her. She and her husband have been through so much, but are not going to stay married. Kris and I have been through a lot, and we have come close to calling it quits, but we haven't and our marriage is now better than it has ever been. I have no doubt that we will be together forever. I am so blessed to have him, to have our marriage, to have our amazing daughter. I said a little prayer to ask God for forgiveness for being so selfish and demanding...I think he has already forgiven me. I am still not sure about my job. I think since going through the loss of a baby through miscarriage, and going through a disruption of a possible adoptive placement, I am much more sensitive to the things that children and families are going through now. It's been very difficult to go to my job every day. Well...I think that is all I need to say right now, but I wanted to make sure I recorded this little moment...of thankfulness.

blessings

why...why...why...do I go so long without blogging? I have been so very lazy...it's been almost 5 months since my last post. I want to post tonight because I just feel incredibly blessed to have my sweet amazing daughter and wonderful awesome husband. Kris went to bed early tonight, and Katie and I just had a wonderful evening! She read The Foot Book by Dr. S--she is becoming such an amazing reader---she is in kindergarten---and she can read almost anything! It totally and completely amazes me! She wanted to curl her hair tonight, so I put her hair in curlers...she looks so cute! When I put her in bed, we listened to I love you this much, and then talked about Jesus for a long time. She has such a curious heart...she is so tender...and so ready to learn about our Lord! We said a little prayer, she prayed for Grandma Rench. She asked Go to make her feel better, and to not let her die. She also prayed for Roscoe and Morris, and prayed for God to take care of them in Heaven and even asked God to not let Roscoe chase Morris :o) I just love her to pieces...she is so wonderful! She really is such a blessing, I am so very thankful for her.

I'm also so thankful for my Grandma. She is in the hospital, and today when I visited her, she seemed so tired, confused, but yet was still the sweetest person that I know. I love her so much. I want to be just like her. She loves God, and she loves her family. She prays and has so much faith. I just love Grandma. I am not sure how much time we still have with her...she seemed to be wilting a little today. It makes me sad, but I know she will be in Heaven when she goes.

Well, that's all I have for tonight. I know I have said this before, but I am REALLY, REALLY going to try to blog more often.

Happy New Year!!! It's 2006! My resolutions are to get healthy, exercise more, blog more, and pray more! I know that 2006 is going to be a great year!!! Here's our little party girl last night!

We made it until 11:30 before she fell asleep on the floor!! This morning she is up and awake as if she hadn't stayed up late at all!

Wishing all of you the most blessed New Year's Day and a prosperous 2006!!!