...my strength, my shield, my joy, my comfortor, my redeemer, my salvation, my hope, my courage, my all in all, my friend, my father, my creator, my savior, my everything. I have so many things I want to write down tonight..so I'm going to try and capture some of it here.
I have been so discouraged since our adoptive placement disruption....Satan has just been after me continuously for the last couple of months...he has known my weaknesses...my tendency to have low self esteem and guilt, my tendency to lose faith and hope...and has been all over it. He has tried to convince me that I am a bad mother, a bad case manager, that I am fat and ugly, that I have no business trying to help people. He has tried to lie to me and convince me that I needed things and food to fill the empty holes that he created in me. He has been having a great time being victorious in my sorrow and grief.
"It is finished." Jesus said those words when He died on the cross for my sins. He knew that the sins of the world were on his shoulders and through his death on the cross, he was taking that load from anyone who would believe. Now I am saying that to Satan: it is finished...you are not going to have power and dominion in my life anymore. I have given my heart back to Jesus tonight. I am no longer a slave to your lies and your deception. I am no longer going to believe that I am any less than all that Jesus---my LORD and GOD--- has planned for me! I am his! Jesus has ME in the palm of his hand, and has taken my burdens. He has taken the guilt, the fear, the worry, and the sins of my life, and swept them away. My sins are erased, and I am a new creation...today! I am so glad!
Do you know what my beautiful, amazing gift from God that I like to call my daughter, said to me tonight as she drifted off to sleep? She said, "thank you mom," and I said "what for?", she said, "for everything." Jesus talked to me through her tonight...so incredibly directly, that it gives me goosebumps. He told me that I am a good mother, through her words. I am not sure if she will even remember that she said that, but it revealed what was in her heart. More than any other ministry on this earth, a mother has a responsibilty to raise their children in truth and in Jesus. Somehow...I know that He is helping me with this incredibly important task. I know that Katie has Jesus in her heart, and if I died today, I would know that God's grace has covered her, in spite of my shortcomings as a mom. I want her to remember me as a mom with grace and gentleness, and I am going to keep praying that God will give me those characteristics to pass on to her.
A friend of mine, Bev, gave the closing devotional at vacation Bible school tonight. She talked about two new Christians. One was a new Christian that got so busy that he did not have time to read the Bible or go to church, and when Satan came after him, he was vulnerable and weak. The other new Christian kept reading his Bible, and kept going to church...when Satan came after him, he was strong and connected to God, and able to withstand the enemy. Even though it was a devotional geared toward children, I felt the Lord moving in my heart. He was telling me that He was still standing right beside me...all I had to do was reach out for his hand...and he would help me beat the enemy. I know He will. I know He is here with me. I know that He will defend and protect me. I have faith...the Lord's lovingkindnesses NEVER fail. He is my strength and my shield!