Sunday, June 25, 2006

Sunday evenings...

I just need to cry, and to vent, and to just let go of some anxiety. Every Sunday night, a huge, huge anxiety comes over me. I don't like my job anymore. It is so very depressing. It has become very demanding in the past couple of months, and it's more than I can handle. I am a foster care case manager. I recruit, train, and provide support to foster families that are sponsored through our agency.
Tonight I have more significant grieving about going to work tomorrow. Katie and I have had a hard day today. She was grumpy, I was grumpy, even Kris was grumpy. Kris was pretty much unavailable to us all weekend, so it seems like we haven't really had a weekend. I really just want to not go back to work again-ever. I want to dedicate my life to taking care of MY family...not other people's. Most of them do not even realize the amount of time that I give up from my family taking care of theirs. I am just so tired of it. As my friend Melissa would say, "I've had it!". I really have "had it." I am just so tired, and so tired of being tired. I need $25,000.00 to pay off our debt except for our cars and house. If I had that, I would be able to be a stay at home mom. I know it's not a glamorous job, but it truely is the one I want. I want to take Katie to the library, and to swimming lessons, and to gymnastics, or to the park just to swing. I don't want to have to worry about if someone is having a crisis, or if they need to ask me the same question they have asked at least 20 times already. I am just so incredibly tired of it. I want to be able to go to work, do my job, leave work, and not do any more work until the next morning if I have to work outside of the home. I take my work home with me every night, and am accessible 24 hours per day to my families. I am just very tired. I need a break...but there is no break. I tried to take ONE week of vacation, and two days of it I am already going to have to now my one whole week is reduced to three days...I am just so discusted. I am so tired...just so tired. I am tired of crying about it, I am tired of taking my frustration out on my husband and child. I am tired of seeing all of these children being abused and neglected when we are trying so desperately to have another child. I am tired of grieving...tired of being sad...tired of feeling this way. I need intervention. I need God...Lord, I could really use your help with this. I don't know what to do. I need to figure out how to get the money to be able to stay at home. I need an answer to prayer...I really do.

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