Yesterday I declared to my husband that I was done with the faith stuff, done with the church stuff, done with prayer, and done with the "it's all part of God's plan" stuff...I was done, I was empty, I had no ability to feel any of those things anymore. I pouted all day, I let Satan eat away at me, I cried, I was irrational, it was just a bad day. I had convinced myself that because I have been unable to have more children and because we were probably always going to have debt that my life was in ruin. I was just grieving yesterday, but didn't want God to have any part in making it better, or to even receive comfort through Kris from God. We went through the whole day, and as we were driving home late at night, I found myself wanting to pray...to pray for my sister and her newborn baby, to pray for my mom and dad getting home safely with my daughter, for my brother's new relationship...for tons of things...but I didn't pray, because I was "done" with all of that. I went to bed, exhausted from a long day.
I woke up this morning, and sure enough, God's mercy was new, as if I had never betrayed him, as if I had never said those mean things about him yesterday. I read an article in my husband's Field and Stream magazine this morning...it was just there...the top magazine on the stack of the ever growing pile in the bathroom. I decided to thumb through it, and read an article about a man who had been bitten by a rattlesnake. The man was walking through the brush (can't remember why) and felt a huge pull/tug/pain on the back of his leg...he had been bitten by a rattlesnake. He went to get help, and was life flighted to a hospital. The bite was so bad that he had to have something like 93 vials of antivenen, when a normal bite requires up to 30 viles. He was in the hospital for a long time, and eventually recovered. Something about that article made me think of my behavior yesterday. I was full of poison...from the enemy...he had bitten me...really hard...with jealousy, coveting, the inability to see my blessings. It was the worst bite, by far, that I have ever gotten. It took A LOT of God's mercy (antivenen) to fix things. I know it wasn't hard for Him to forgive me, and I know that all of those behaviors were covered by Jesus's blood. I am still tired from the wound, I am still struggling, but Jesus has taken the poison out...once again, and put his love in those fang marks.
Tonight I woke Kris up and explained to him that I know I have faith. Why else would I have wanted to pray so badly last night. If I *really* didn't believe, I wouldn't feel compelled to pray. If I really didn't believe, it wouldn't bother me to not pray. It bothered me to NOT pray last night. I felt that I had not done what I knew in my heart was right for the ones I love by praying for them. I also don't know how anyone can love someone else so incredibly much and think it has nothing to do with the love that God has shown us. I love Kris and Katie more than words can explain, and I believe part of that love is because of God's love for me.
So I guess the bottom line is that I do have faith. I do trust God to guide my life. I do believe. I do.
Pulling Off White Walls
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