Friday, September 07, 2007


I am heartbroken...again. We had a sonogram to check on everything with our pregnancy yesterday, and there is nothing there. No baby, no sac, no placenta, nothing at all. All three pregnancy tests that I took were false positives, I guess. I really don't understand it. I am trying so hard to keep trusting God. It is so difficult. I really would like my faith to grow stronger, but I don't understand why this has to be the way to go about it. I really just don't understand. I had another blood test yesterday, and I am supposed to call today to find out where my hormone levels are at, and at that point she will decide what to do next, I guess. My emotions have been completely out of control for the past 15 hours since we found out. I guess I am happy that if there never was a baby there, then that probably means no baby had to die. Kris and Katie have been so excited, and we had been so happy that we had made it this far along, without complications. Our parents are going to be so sad, we've already told so many people, because we thought for sure we were almost finished with the 1st trimester. I've had morning sickness, tiredness, everything...and it was all just my imagination. I feel so foolish, and I know people will talk about my foolishness. This is so incredibly difficult. I am just so sad, not really for me, but for Katie and Kris. They wanted this baby so badly, and were both so excited. Kris thought it was a boy, Katie wanted a girl, and I really didn't care, I just wanted a baby. We had already picked out names, Kooper James, or Asher, and Klaire. We had already made plans for the room, for so many things. I really wish I could have found out sooner that there was nothing there, just to save everyone from being so sad. It seems like everyday that went by, we got more attached and excited. We talked about it constantly. All day yesterday, and really, I've kind of had it in the back of my mind the whole time, that there would be nothing there. I guess God was preparing me for it. Even the day that I took the pregnancy tests, it crossed my mind, because I read about perimenopausal women testing false positive. I am just still so sad. I should have heeded those warnings and been less naive. I feel very foolish for falling head over heals in love with someone who was never even there.

I think I am going to have to contact Dr. Miller when he recovers from heart problems and have my tubes tied. I just can't go through this, or put my family through this anymore. It's not fair to anyone, really. I have be to be pro-active, and take care of things to spare our family more disappointment.

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